So I have an "interview" tomorrow at one of those fly-by-night Halloween stores tomorrow at 11:30am. Obviously they'll probably offer me minimum wage and want me to work every single day until Nov. 5th. They won't be pleased that I'm taking off Halloween weekend, but then they could just not hire me if they feel like that. It's a very part-time job, anyway, you know? They're only open from 10am-8pm, so even if I work a full day, that's about 12 hours with stocking and whatnot, times minimum wage is what now? $8.50/hr? That's under $100/day once you subtract taxes I pay for who knows why...
I'm going to drop off an application at Trader Joe's for the 5pm-1am shift. Pathetic, I know, and I basically sell my soul away for every single holiday possible. (Except of course, Halloween.) Hopefully they hire me. I think you start at $10/hr there and get some decent benefits. Hey, I can be friendly to customers for he first 5 hours of my shift without a problem, and I can happily organize and make stuff pretty for the last 3 hours, so no big deal. Hopefully they hire me and I don't have to work 40+ hours a week selling fake teeth to little kids. That'd be just under $80/day after taxes...
Whatever. At this point, money is money, and I'll take it happily. I am getting more and more miffed at paying into certain taxes, however.
For instance, since my mother has MS and can't get state aid, why should I have to pay into any of that? And if it weren't for my grandmother occasionally getting a social security check, i don't see why I should pay into that, either, as I'll never see a dime of it, and my mom can't get that either. Who the hell is getting the money I pay in? That's my question. If my mom, who is dirt poor aside from the alimony she gets every month (which isn't a lot, but more than my dad can actually afford) and has been on record as having MS for the past 10 years, can't get state aid, then who the hell is? Oh right, my cousin, with her illegitimate child and another on the way, she gets state aid.
But I'm not getting knocked up and ruining the only thing I have left to me (my body). Let's face it, if I didn't have too many people riding my ass all the time about how I have morals and ethics and what not... The oldest profession known to man is prostitution, and aren't we ALL prostitutes in some shape or form? Maybe we're not all selling sex, but we're selling our souls, and somehow that feels dirtier. The fact that Starbucks hasn't called me back pisses me off, because I was actually willing to lower myself enough to the point where I was going to go back. Willing to show up by 6am and wait on snotty little Northpark brats and high school kids all day, buying coffee that costs more than the pound I get at Trader Joe's every couple of weeks...
You ever just find yourself angry? I know stress is bad, but my life is pretty damn stressful. And I try really hard to let things go, but after a full month of being unemployed, I'm kind of starting to have trouble letting things go.
What's wrong with me? I'm smart, I'm skilled, I'm talented. I'm attractive, agreeable, and have a great set of people skills. I CAN be super upbeat and energetic, when I need to, when a job calls for it. I can work well with others or independently. I'm pretty well-rounded. Ahhh, but I'm a young white female. Oops. Sorry daddy, mommy, we're definitely the wrong color right now. And maybe that sounds racist, and maybe saying I'd have a teaching job if I was a hispanic male sounds even worse, but can you tell me it's not true? I have a friend who is keeping her married (now divorced, it was a joke wedding anyway) last name because it sounds hispanic. She got a job, while the teacher's on maternity leave, anyway, but it'll get her a full time position down the line.
Really, what have I done wrong? Ah, that's what it is... I was talking to a friend night before last, and our problem is that we don't drink the kool aid. You know what I mean. I've never been one to completely buy in and lick the butt holes of the admin/upper management to the point where my nose turns brown. It's a damn shame that you basically have to prostitute yourself no matter what you do. Can't we just be valued for being us? For our knowledge and our work ethic? For our skills and talents?
So the cat is ok, of course, after 48 hours of lost sanity I'll never get back. She puked up some tape from a box I didn't know she was chewing on, and has stopped drooling for the most part, so no more worries about dehydration. Now I just have to make sure she's pooping and we're all good. How ridiculous. Seriously, I can never have children. I worry so much about my furry babies, I think real children would easily and quickly give me a heart attack or an aneurism. Not to mention the fact that I can't afford human mouths to feed. I guess the one upside is my boobs would get bigger... But then they'd sag along with everything else.
Oh, aging. Ever seen that movie, Death Become Her with Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn? Yeah, what I'd give to be young and beautiful, although here I am: I'm no richer or more powerful for it. It's ok. I guess in the next 6 years something will change. I'll have a car that works and money to pay rent and debt. I'll have a job that's decent, right? Right? It's just this waiting game. This constant, never ending waiting. Hurry up and wait. Send out the applications and resumes, they never get back to you. You know what I've actually come to appreciate? When they email you to tell you you're NOT getting the job, because at least then it's not some possibility hanging in the wings. At least then there's some certainty.
The only thing I'm certain of is what's already happened. Everything else is up in the air. I never thought possibility and potential would be so frustrating and depressing. Huh... Learn new things every day, don't we?
Have you ever thought of an office job? As long as were talking about selling our souls, might as well start looking towards the corporate pigs. My mom, who works in an office, keeps telling me to apply for an office job because she's sure I would get hired. I'm not ready to take that step. I know you're looking for a bigger and better job, ie teaching somewhere, but maybe you should look for an office job in the meantime. Heck, some of these companies will even pay for your grad school if that's something you're considering down the line. It's just a thought. Working 9 to 5 everyday, having weekends off, and getting 30 to 40 grand a year doesn't sound too bad.
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