Hello Readers,
I'm trying something new. I figure with a degree in English, I ought to (at least) be attempting to write things. So what to write? I started a novel when I was 13, but that doesn't strike me as a lucrative waste of my time at this point. Who do you know that wrote a Best Seller at 13, or even 24? (Check out Amelia Atwater Rhodes. She is a year younger than I and has a whole series...)
So I'm going to try my hand at Blogging. I remember doing this when I was young, and (regrettably) MySpace belongs in the realm of the pubescent. Also, there's no easy way to get stuff OFF MySpace to save it, short of sitting there and copying and pasting 5 years of randomness. At least, that's how it was the last time I logged in. So I'm here to grow up my blogging skills.
Let's talk, briefly, about reality:
Life hurts. If you're reading this, my guess is you needed a laugh because you're certified or educated, but also under- or un-employed as well. I'm cutting coupons, combing Craigslist, putting together Monster.com profiles that return only offers for a commission based on selling Health and Life Insurance, which, by the way, no one can really afford right now. I got fired from my stupid waitressing job, and am considering selling my soul back to Starbucks just to have some money coming in so I can pay off my loans for an education that isn't doing much for me right now.
As a certified teacher, I'm completely disgusted. Some of my compatriots have managed to find teaching positions, and I applaud them. They're all marvelous people, and they're going to be great teachers. I'm a little jealous. As old as those little stinkers make you feel, they keep you young, too. They keep you engaged, that is, if you're not doing ALL the talking. They make you laugh, they make you cry, and they make you feel alive. It is the establishment and the economy that make you feel like a dried-out husk inside.
Two days in a row I've woken up and decided to spike my coffee with some Bailey's. My car is dead, so it's not like I can go driving to kill the time, and I don't have money for gas to cruise anyway. Remember when we were kids, and we used to take SO much pleasure in simply tooling around. Lake Shore Drive is beautiful when you can avoid the traffic. It's the one awesome way to enjoy the beautification that Mayor Daley has been spending our tax dollars on, to keep us happy because it's pretty. Hey, those mums that are being put in could have bought a lot of school books.
The plumbing in my building is being completely redone, so sometimes I don't even get to shower. Sometimes you have a good time on the porch because you're commiserating with the neighbors about the hard-working, well-intentioned boob of a landlord who has paid some non-English speaking Eastern Bloc people to do the plumbing (hey, they're the same guys that did the electric!). Sometimes you have a good laugh because your neighbor is super apologetic about asking to use your shower, twice in one day, especially when it results in the old man downstairs asking you if you're "fooling around" with him.
In the meantime, I'm playing with my cats a lot. Booze in the coffee, cable TV, and cats... English degree? Oh yes, I'm on my way to being the Crazy Cat Lady! I don't think it would be so bad if I had some money to turn my apartment into a wonderland for them, like you see on Animal Planet with those people who have completely redone their lives to accommodate the curiosity of their furry little demons.
I thought working at a bar left me with the strangest hours ever, but I'll tell you, being unemployed was great for a week. Now it's not funny anymore. I'm taking random naps, waking up around 8am, going to bed around 4am. What AM I doing with my time?! I've read most of the books on my shelves, and have taken to bringing home boxes of books from my mother's house. I'm using my teaching skills on my friends, and trying to get people around me to read! I've been trained to do all these things, and as they're un-channeled, it's all spilling over onto poor innocent adults. Heck, in the past year, I turned my exboyfriend into a reader! He always seemed to hate reading, all the way through high school. While he was in college, I don't think I ever saw him pick up a book for fun. Then he moved in with me. You wouldn't believe what he's read...
So if you hate reading, you should probably stop reading this blog today, because I might actually be contagious, and you might be next.
This post made me neither laugh, nor cry, nor angered me. What it did was open and create a feeling of sympathy and empathy, as well as a feeling of frustration. Do not mistake this for pity--neither you nor I wants anyone to have pity for you. But I do feel empathetic that the idealist that began this journey with so much optimism and so much verve has been continually beaten down, rained upon, and given a hard time. This is where the frustration comes in: is the universe really designed so as to not accommodate the willing, the ready, the bold, and the brave? I don't want to see that idealist disappear. I want to see the universe cut you some slack for once. In a way, I see myself in you except that you were brave enough to take the leap of independence earlier. My time has yet to come. But I don't want that idealist to disappear because if she does, how the fuck am I going to make it?
ReplyDeleteHope I didn't lay on the sap too thick for ya.
Hey, was I too brave, or too naive, or too dumb?
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm still making it. I haven't moved back in with my dad, yet. I'm not living in my dying car and eating the cat food, yet.
The universe, perhaps, is designed to challenge. To inspire, to enrage, to engage.
It is our economy that is designed to beat you into a corner until you're broken, bleeding, and rocking back and forth.
The only constant in life is change. Remember that. All things must and will, are won't to change. Things will change. Maybe "not soon enough" but eventually.
We'll all make it through, especially people like you and I. We're too stubborn to be so easily defeated.
Something I have discovered: The universe, not seeming to have been designed at all, is impartial. Therefore, sadly, there is nothing to blame for our misery, lack of success, or outright failure to be beyond "the starting point." We simply lose to someone else. However, and this is the part that will (more than anything else) inspire me to make something of myself: it also means there is nothing standing in the way of some degree of success that I cannot overcome with the correct action.
ReplyDeleteThe universe does not act or intend, and this fact worsens our failings, but removes the illusion of a villain holding us back from our ends. After all I've seen you overcome, I can imagine only your eventual triumph.
I'm not sure if I really believe that the universe was designed with intention or if I was just using it as a poetic tool. For me, that will have to remain an open question. The most I can say at this point is: I don't know. Though I do like what Mihalyi Czikszentmihalyi has to say, “It is one thing to recognize that life is, by itself, meaningless. It is another thing entirely to accept this with resignation. The first act does not entail the second any more than the fact that we lack wings prevents us from flying.”
ReplyDeleteI didn't mean to imply that you weren't making it Haley, I'd just like to see some slack cut for ya. You've certainly had an uphill battle, one I may have given up on long ago...
Eh, my friends and family keep me going. Maybe if I was cut some slack, so to speak, I'd get lazy. The people I love won't let me lay down and quit, and mama didn't raise a quitter.
ReplyDelete